(( This is really hard to write. I haven’t been here for a really long time. A friend’s breakdown/rant prompted me to write this. And while I have thought about erasing this character, I still get a lot of kind hearted people telling me how much they loved hanging around with this crazy medic woman. I honestly feel guilty for keeping people at arm’s length and not coming back here.
But the truth is, staying off of Evie has probably saved my sanity a little. It has not been safe for me to play her in a long time, and as I was reminded two weeks ago, it’s still not safe to play Dr. Frost.
While I have shared some amazing stories with a few of you, some of the more frightening aspects of this fandom don’t escape me. The bullying for one has always been a problem. It’s something we all deal with, but I’ve never been comfortable about it. When I originally started the RoR, it was so people would not be teased for doing less than serious roleplay. That room though, had changed hands a lot, and when I stopped moderating it the first year, a lot of things started happening in there that I didn’t agree with. It’s changed hands, I want to say six times or more, and who knows what goes on in it now. It’s frightening to see something you’ve made as a positive thing become a cesspool. When I left it for a final time, it was not because I was booted out, but because people that bullied, stalked and had a general reputation for two faced behavior where being let in. A guy that sent me degrading, harassing messages was let in, and the new moderator did not care, even with proof. It was really not a safe environment, so I chose to leave without notice or argument. Later the same mods appealed to a group I didn’t get along with, going as far as to lie, saying I was thrown out, and it got them about five minutes of attention.
The stuff I went through with a certain Medic was also pretty bad. Bad enough to end friendships, and I am still getting letters about it. Letters from this guy that attack my self esteem or are meant to, but are really pretty pathetic. The furry guy that was stalking me stopped, but one of the guys that was sending me things lives in my state, and while he has stopped too it’s unnerving having him close or that friends knew about what he was doing and were friends with him, and of course- I still get things from Mr. Medic to this day. I never minded that people had sexual or violent rps, but the non-consenting rapes and the child molestation from a portion of the community was really not something I handled well. It’s one thing when people agree to do those kind of stories, but when people don’t and the other person is doing it to your character or others anyway, it’s awful. A lot of it was to get back at people out of character, and to punish specific people, it was about power. I think that while Mr. Medic’s character did do a lot of bad things that were in character, I know of several things that weren’t and it still is upsetting to think about. It makes you wonder sometimes what’s up with the person on the other side of the screen, and if they have a really unhealthy opinion on sexual abuse, like they have possibly been sexually abused.
The hardest thing, was that a large portion of people were okay with this stuff, and most of them were friends. I felt good friends. But, it was enough to actually put my mental health at risk. What was really jarring, was that one ‘friend’ actually confronted me about being suicidal and actually called me a liar over it. It’s almost like they would have wanted me to give in to people egging me to hurt myself, so I would be more legitimate in their eyes, I got really close but I ended up not going through with it, it hurt, but it didn’t seem worth it. I think sometimes you have to get that far to realize what’s important to you. Still, some friend right? It’s scary! I don’t think anyone should ever have to feel like that, or dread coming online to see people. It gave me anxiety for a very long time. So, when I did finally have enough, I just started really cutting people off, and not even notifying some of them I was doing that. Have any of you ever felt that way?
I think for what it’s worth, a lot of really good things came to me in-spite of this. I still talk to a few people from the fandom, that have become lasting friends. I have weeded out a lot of unhealthy things and people. I have more of an offline life.
While I do still rp a little, it might never be with Evie again, and hopefully people will understand why. Her adventures, and the time she came to be were a large part of my life,time-wise, maybe three or four years of it. Can you believe that? And while I probably will not delete her, I have not really been able to write for her either. I should be sad about it, because it was like the end of an era, but.. I am not really sad. It’s okay.
Realistically, I do not want to return to the TF2 community, even as a canon character, I did that for a brief stint and saw the same shit in a different wrapper. I hope that the community’s attitude and climate will eventually change. There is a lot of bullying, harassment, preferential treatment, and misogyny (mistreatment of female characters, especially due to people favoring male shipping, which is serious because most of the people doing it are women, really, wtf that is WEIRD). I have watched a lot of people harassed and treated like shit until they have left, before I left too. You know what though? It’s okay. Let them have it, and move onto better things, because there will be better things, I promise you. I PROMISE.
But yeah.. so that’s why I don’t come here anymore, or on Ms. P. Or on FB, and I sure hope you understand. ))